From Expectations to Agreements: Building Trust Through Brainspotting Therapy
- Reaghan Beaver
- Jun 17
- 4 min read
In Steve Chandler’s piece Agreements vs. Expectations - Shift Your Mind: Shift the World, one thought I had struck me:
Humans don’t want to be ruled or controlled. We want a mutual connection built on trust and respect.
The difference between an agreement and an expectation might seem small on the surface, but in relationships, it’s a game changer. Agreements are rooted, authentic, and collaborative. They’re born out of conversation, honesty, trust, and mutual consent. Expectations, on the other hand, can quietly erode trust, pushing people away even when our intentions are good (Chandler, 2010).
In my work as a relational, trauma informed, therapist in Colorado, I see this dynamic show up everywhere, between partners, family members, colleagues, and even within ourselves.
Think about it. How often are you expecting others to meet your ‘expectations’? How often are you working towards meeting others’ ‘expectations’?
Now, think about how often you have mutual, respectable, agreements with others. How often do you talk about and agree on a decision, goal, etc?
If I had to guess, most of us spend more time trying to meet expectations than creating agreements. I’ve been there too- but shifting my mindset in this way has made a big difference, both in my personal life and in my therapy work.
The Problem with Expectations
Expectations are often unspoken, assumed, and one-sided. We might expect a partner to “just know” how to comfort us, or a friend to “obviously” remember an important date. Maybe you are great at sharing what your expectations are with others and they also know your expectations. Sweet.
But, when those expectations aren’t met, disappointment sets in- even if they are overt. Either with yourself or with others. Sometimes and most often what I see in my virtual therapy sessions is the accompaniment of resentment, especially with couples.
Philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that healthy relationships require seeing the other person as an autonomous being, not merely as a means to meet our needs. When we hold silent or rigid expectations, we risk reducing others to roles rather than connecting with them as whole people.
From a Brainspotting Practitioner’s perspective, this is crucial. Unspoken expectations can trigger old wounds stored deep in the nervous system, moments when we felt unseen, unheard, or controlled. These protective patterns keep us in survival mode, making it difficult to communicate clearly or trust fully.
When we shift from expectations to agreements, we not only respect another person’s dignity, as Kant emphasized, but we also create safety in the nervous system. Agreements allow both people to feel seen and honored, which mirrors the very foundation of Brainspotting’s relational model, attunement, trust, and mutual consent.
Why Agreements Are Different
Unlike expectations, agreements are explicit, mutual, and relational. They’re not about control, they’re about collaboration. Instead of silently holding someone to a standard they may not even know exists, agreements invite both people into an open conversation:
“Can we agree to check in once a week about this project?”
“Can we both agree to take a pause when arguments get heated?”
“If I make dinner, can you wash the dishes?”
These small but powerful shifts change everything. When two people agree on boundaries, plans, or ways of showing up, they’re not guessing at each other’s needs, they’re naming them. As Chandler (2010) reminds us, humans live with an unspoken moral code: we don’t like to break our word.
This aligns beautifully with Kant’s philosophy that places autonomy as the foundation of human dignity. Agreements honor another person’s freedom while building trust through mutual respect. And it’s exactly what happens in Brainspotting therapy.
Building Trust with Brainspotting Therapy in Colorado
Brainspotting is a powerful therapy that helps people access and process experiences, emotions, and beliefs stored deep in the nervous system. When we’ve been hurt, especially in relationships, our nervous system can stay in a protective stance, making it harder to engage in open, trusting conversations.
This modality is built on what David Grand calls the Dual Attunement Model: the relationship between therapist and client is as important as the technique itself. The work only deepens when both parties feel safe, respected, and engaged in a process of mutual agreement (Grand, 2013).
In Brainspotting, therapist and client are continually making agreements: about pacing, about what feels safe to process, about how to stay grounded in the session. These explicit agreements form the relational container that allows the nervous system to relax, making space for deeper healing. Agreements are not just about behavior, they’re about creating safety, attunement, and trust at both a relational and neurobiological level.
As David Grand (2013) puts it:
“The relationship is not meant to serve the Brainspotting; the Brainspotting is meant to serve the relationship.”
In other words, Brainspotting strengthens the very same principle Chandler and Kant highlight: human connection thrives when it’s rooted in respect, autonomy, and mutual agreement.
A Relational Shift That Changes Everything
At its heart, shifting from expectations to agreements is more than a communication tool. It’s a relational shift. It’s about valuing the other person’s humanity as much as your own. It’s saying: “I see you. I respect you. I will hold this space for you.”
This is the same foundation that Brainspotting therapy rests on. Every agreement in session, whether it’s about pacing, focus, or grounding, reinforces a client’s sense of safety and autonomy. When the nervous system feels safe, the mind and body can finally soften into healing and connection.
In everyday relationships, the same principle applies. Whether you’re rebuilding trust after conflict, navigating cultural differences, or deepening intimacy with someone important to you, agreements create safety and trust in both directions.
When paired with relational therapy and Brainspotting, this shift doesn’t just change conversations, it transforms how we show up with ourselves and with others. It’s a pathway out of disconnection (with ourselves and others) and into mutual respect, dignity, and lasting connection.
References:
Chandler, S. (2010). Shift your mind: Shift the world. Robert Reed Publishers.
Grand, D. (2013). Brainspotting: The revolutionary new therapy for rapid and effective change. Sounds True.
Jankowiak, T. Immanuel Kant. Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Retrieved August 13, 2025, from https://iep.utm.edu/kantview/#H5
Sorens, J. (2017, February 10). Immanuel Kant and the philosophy of freedom. FEE.org. https://fee.org/articles/immanuel-kant-and-the-philosophy-of-freedom/
